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Where’s the Pulitzer prize for these reviews of New York City beaches?

More than any other city on Earth, New Yorkers are uniquely adept at complaining — and putting up with shit.

It’s what makes the city great. New Yorkers won’t settle for a mediocre piece of pizza, but they’ll happily sit on urine-coated subway plastic, just so they don’t have to stand. They’ll refuse to eat at a chain restaurant, but they’ll gladly crowd into an un-air conditioned attic “loft” in Bushwick to have their birth charts read. 

When it comes to ranking beaches, no one has sicker, more disturbing standards than New Yorkers. Their rude reviews show them for who they are: masters of the form.

Below are some of the best beach reviews from New Yorkers. Many people don’t even know that much of New York City is spread out across islands or that we have *real* ocean beaches that people actually use. Our ocean is relatively clean, considering that 8.6 million people live here. Our beaches, while not trash-free, are at least free to use. You get what you pay for, people.

Here are our greatest reviews:

I <3 New York…ers who want their nature “free of nature.”

From Turds to Paradise: A New York story

For this, five stars 

No one uses the ocean to “swim.”

People even have sex here!

Besides nails, this “place is wonderful.”

Hooters is in the air

Other than the potential tetanus…

“They don’t sleep anymore on the beach.”

There is also…a beach

Who among us?

Sewage, Schmewage

“I wonder if there was something chemically wrong with the water.”

“Minus the big ass pipe”

New York beaches apparently have too much…sand

Just don’t have expectations!

New Yorkers have manners!

This is how New York defines a family beach.

Some people get so high and mighty about industrial waste.

“You can almost imagine being somewhere better”

3 stars for piles of used sanitary products

I’m not sure this is better than a fire hydrant, actually.

New York, never change…your Yelp reviews.

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